Cheat Codes for Real Life

Cheat Codes for Real Life

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Commuting

When approaching a crosswalk in Pedestrian Mode, you’ll notice a large button beneath a sign that says something like “Push button for walk signal, you dumb idiot!” Just hit that bad boy once or twice or four hundred times and proceed across the street.

Still wasting time in your car at red lights? Did you know that if you say the words “go” and “green” in the correct combination, and at the right time, the stoplight will change? Unfortunately, no one has recorded the exact word pattern for this cheat. But my friend Keith gets it to work all the time, I swear.

Public transportation can be difficult to navigate in City Mode. The delays! The feces! The cancellations! And did I mention the actual human feces? Thankfully, there are two easy ways to hack the public-transit system: simply transport yourself to a Midwestern suburb or never leave home. Easy-peasy.

E-mails, Texting, and Messaging

Can’t figure out how to reply to someone? Just press the “h” and “a” keys in quick succession for a couple of seconds. It’ll end the conversation and you’ll finally be able to move on to a new topic.

The above result can also be achieved by subbing in the keys “l-o-l.” For a fun surprise, try responding by repeatedly hitting the keys “h” and “e.” This unlocks the Creepy Feature, which allows you to cease communication with your friends altogether.

Oops—you accidentally liked an old post on a stranger’s social feed. No worries! There are a couple of cheat codes for that:

Ultra-Like: This is where you like as many things as possible on everybody’s profile. You must employ this tactic immediately and recklessly in order for it to work. If anyone messages you about it, copy and paste this code in response: “Oh weird my account must have been hacked ha ha sorry about that.”

Delete Everything: This is where you delete everything and resign yourself to the fact that you can never go online again, which, to be honest, is probably for the best.

At Home

Make your dream Netflix show pop up by simply typing this code into the search bar: “The Great British Baking Show.”

Make your dog bark on command by pressing the “Doorbell” button.

Make your dishwasher start by pushing the button labelled “Start.” (Seems obvious, but, trust me, it really works.)

Turn your bedroom into a kitchen by bringing the box labelled “Pizza” into bed.

Turn your bathroom into a bedroom by pressing your face against the cool tile floor while in Drunk Mode.

Make a car appear instantly by pushing the button on what’s called a “garage-door opener.” Important: this only works at your own home. Cannot stress that enough.

Open your microwave door at the exact moment that the timer hits zero, to prevent it from beeping. I still don’t know what this cheat code achieves, but it’s hella fun and I can’t stop doing it.

Travel

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July 12, 2018 at 12:11PM

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